...couldn't keep. linger on...

I recently bought an antenna for my TV and I can now watch the news and some shows when they air and all of that. I find it annoying, really. All the commercials and noise? Ugh. I'm spoiled by Netflix and HuluPlus, I guess.

But last night I watched the latest episode of "How I Met Your Mother" even though I was two episodes behind. I'm a rebel that way.

I realized that I'm Ted fucking Mosby and I totally have a Robin balloon lingering in my life. I'm not holding on to it, but it is there. Bouncing around the ceiling in a corner, unable to just break free.

It made me incredibly sad.

It didn't linger, the sad. But it was there and I cried a wee bit but then I shook it off. Mostly. I mean, I am here writing about it.

I guess I'm just not as moved on and adjusted to things as I think I am. But I'm getting there. One day I'll open a window and the balloon will bounce along the ceiling until it catches a nice air draft and off it will go into the big blue sky.

And if not I'll just pop it with a pin and that'll be that...

so sorry

I posted naked photos of myself online. What is this? 2008?!?! Gracious.

Moving on...

I have never ever ever been made to feel that I cannot do something simply because I am a girl. I'm sure there's been people around that may have indicated something stupid like that but it didn't stick with me. Mostly I just feel like I've been surrounded by people who just kinda supported one another based on the fact that we're people and we recognize one another's talents and abilities. Simple as that. And I like that. A lot.

I'm on the career path that I'm on because a person recognized something in me during an interview. He didn't know me. But he saw something there. And he took me under his wing and taught me stuff and gave me things to figure out on my own and "See what you can do with this!" and it made him happy when I'd go report back what I'd discovered or learned. He was my mentor and it was never a thing where I felt like some little girl he adopted. I just always felt like a person that he saw a spark in and he decided to fan that flame. I'm always going to have a special place for him in my heart.

I know that not all women have it as easy and I believe in equal rights and all of that. I'm a feminist in that regard for sure, it's just not anything I feel has been an issue in my life. So, yay for me!

But yesterday I found myself in a meeting that was being run by a woman. And ideas were being tossed out by women. And I'm a woman and I was there. And it just struck me as pretty damned awesome. Because I was in a meeting full of women and it was all business. No emotions. No drama. Nothing but really smart women planning some serious shit.

That confused me. Why would that stand out to me? I don't know. But it did. Because it makes me think that I do, perhaps, have that subconcious belief that most women are over emotional and incapable of being focused. Which is a shame. I shouldn't have that in my brain. But it obviously is, right? I'm part of the problem!

I don't like being part of the problem. I really don't.

I'm constanatly informed that I'm too emotional or that people are afraid to approach me because they have no idea what Andrea is going to respond. That I take things far too personally. That my reactions, and the anticipation of what my reaction may be, stresses people out.

All of that sucks and I have no idea what to do about it. But I don't like it about myself one little bit.

I am just finding out left and right that I'm not that super duper of a person. Fun, that.

the skits tonight

The week or so before Christmas I somehow contracted a stomach virus. And I've basically been sick ever since.

I've had a cold. And then allergies. And now a viral bronchial type fun thing that refuses to go the fuck on.

I'm not normally this sickly. I'm usually quite proud of my immune system. But not now. Now I need to review the tapes and find out what went wrong and then shape up in those areas. Make sure the entire team is on board and maybe yell really loudly when I'm interviewed and get called a thug because of it.

Mostly I'm just really damned tired. Like right now I'd love nothing more than to curl up under my desk and take a nice nap. That would be grand.

But I have shit to do and life to live. Blah blah.

Other than that? My life is as mundane as it gets. It's just me and my puppy and my cat. Doing what we do. While mired in phlegm.

This morning I went for my mammogram and I posted about it on Facebook. And then I suddenly started thinking about how when I first started blogging I was in my early thirties and how I did a funny observations on all of it type blog and was witty and funny and then I was the divorced lady blogger and how now I'm "Andrea in her early 40s" with the whole boobie smashing talk and whathaveyous. It didn't lead to any epiphanies or anything other than me seeing how I've changed as I've aged. In ways I may not have been aware of until this morning. The cycle of life happens whether we notice it or not.

I'm Andrea in her early 40s, y'all. Things are going to get mild.

folding up the skyline

A week ago this evening I was sitting in my quiet living room, cat laying on my chest purring, debating whether I should watch another episode of "How I Met Your Mother" or should I just pack it in and go to bed. Suddenly I receive a message from FB and I decide to go ahead and look at it.

"Would you be interested in raising a puppy?"

Boom. I now have a puppy.

Long story short: a lady that has apparent financial woes and young kids bought a puppy for Christmas then realized how short sighted that was and so posted on some random FB group! that someone should give her $50 and take this puppy right! now!

So, I did. Because I'll take care of that puppy and keep her forever and ever.

Well, until she dies. So sad. I just jumped ahead a number of years to my puppy's inevitable death.

Anyway...

It was time. My life already feels fuller and has more giggles.

I'm also more tired and believe I smell like puppy pee, but that doesn't outweigh the giggles and puppy kisses and over all huge amount of adorable this puppy has added to my life.

However now my cat is sick. And that makes me sad. The puppy didn't make her sick, no. But I'm sure she added stress to the sick and there you go. But I'm working on her because I love her and I'm working with her to ensure she feels safe and comfy still in her home and I'm so proud of her for not giving up her space in our living room simply because of some foolish puppy.

I have realized, however, that even though I care for and, yes, love my cat, it's a totally different variety than it is for the dog. Like, when I heard how sick she was I cried a little and then I made all the appointments because I want her to be healthy and feel well and be happy for sure.

Then the next day I had the puppy outside and a dog barked and then a loud truck went down the alley and the puppy was scared and came running to me. And I looked at her and told her that she was safe and that no matter what happened I would always keep her safe from harm.

I don't feel like I need to keep the cat safe. She just is safe. Yes, I work on her comfort and happiness but safety never really enters my mind. Not like it does with the doggies I've had in my life, including my new one. I just really want to them to know that they are safe with me. It's important to me that they know that. I don't know why.

Perhaps it's just because of the different nature of cats and dogs. Cats are independent. Yes, she likes me and enjoys being with me. I've proven to be trust worthy and she feels comfy with me and that makes me really happy.

Dogs are totally and completely companiony to their humans. They rely on us completely. So I guess my deep down responds to that.

I'm not a psychologist.

But I am totally smitten with my new little girl.

And I'm completely exhausted and worn down because the timing was just not that great. But things happen when they happen and I jumped and now this is my life.

And it's a life that is richer than it was just a week ago. Because I once again have a little doggy to share it with.

I am an unabashed dog person.

can laugh about it now

Yesterday I spent the day taking down Christmas and cleaning out my closet and cooking and cleaning and organizing photo folders and taking photos and just generally being a girl without heaviness on her shoulders.

It felt good. It made me realize that I'm fine. 

Today something was done for me that was just so super nice and I appreciate it so much and it's just so nice to be thought of and shown appreciation in most unexpected ways. I love that.

I think I agreed to ride the light rail without pants with a large group of people that will also not be wearing pants. There's nothing that can go wrong there.

Two thousand fourteen just started and already I have fun stuff lining up for me to look forward to. I love that, too!

I'm fine. I wouldn't have thought it. If you'd asked me on Monday if I'd be fine by Thursday I would have said no. But the truth is, I woke up fine on Tuesday. 

The Sun came out. 

I was told that is from "The Sound of Music." I haven't seen it. But I'm told I should.

I'm going to be creative this year. I'm going to try to be creative every day. So, I guess that basically means I'm doing a photo a day project. So far, so good!

This was prompted by me looking at my photos from 2008. When I was creative daily and did goofy things and just looked happier and prettier and made videos and acted absurd and danced way more often than I have been the last few years and just did happy things. I'm gonna do that. Because I should.

I'm on the right path. 

so changeable and such a loveable

It's the last day of the year. Let's recap this shit!

The last few days I've, as I often find myself, felt that this year was pretty damned hard. Kind of a bummer. But that's just not true. Yes, there were some hard and sad things. But that's every year! Every single year has ups and downs. Every. Single. One. This year is no different and it's fine.

So, I started the year by doing some light plumbing so my house could create it's own ice. And it was good.

It also marked the countdown for my trip to Russia! Lots of preparation and forms and whatnots to do between January and May. And it all got done.

In February my Dad visited for some PGA good times.

Then we watched the Beyonce Super Bowl lights out event. Everyone seemed to think she was awesome. I felt like she was angry at all of us while also molesting us. So, I'm not part of everyone.

One day in February...it snowed. Here! It was a bit nuts. 

In March I went to BeagleFest and pet all of the beagles.

Then a cat stole part of my pool and I had to go to the pool store. And when I did a dude looked up, greeted me with a smile, and I was overtaken by his energy. He was smiley and adorable and just had good vibes shooting out of him. And he touched my foot and it was all pretty sexy and I flirted like a flirt and gave him my number and generally acted like not me. And guess what? We started hanging out and it was fun.

In April I got to know that pool guy even better and we hung out and things were adorable and grand. I'd go to the pool store just to be cute and he'd be adorable and it was all super sweet and fun.

Then one day BLAMO! Prince announced he was coming to town and then the tickets went on sale and they were pricey but I decided that you cannot put a price on things that make you fiercely happy. So I bought one. And then I told my cousin about it and she made arrangements to bring her husband out because he is my kindred spirit in the purple rain.

Then May. Oh, May. May was glorious! Continued hanging out with pool guy. He'd sit next to me instead of across from me and we'd hold hands and he'd rest his hand on my leg and he'd lean over and kiss me and it was just super nice. And he hung out with my friends and my cousin and all the stuff that guys do when they like you. He was excited for me on Prince day. He knew Prince day was a BIG DEAL. And boy, howdy, was it. I got to stand, like, 15 feet away from Prince! It was one of those moments that I couldn't believe was actually happening. But it was! It did. It happened. Then he was there when I had to decide to put my boy down. And he helped get him into the car and gave me a hug and checked on me later. Then while I was in Russia he texted to say hi and ask about architecture and things of that sort. And I had a wonderful time in Russia and made new friends and ate all of the desserts and took all of the photos and sat in palaces and sipped on champagne and it was all just amazing!

Then once I returned from Russia I had to prepare for my friends to come for the 'Con! And we went to the 'con and we played games and drank and acted ridiculous and went for pie and just had so much fun. And dude was here for all of that, too.

June was up and down. I had to buy a new car which was unplanned but turned out to be exciting for me and pretty good all around. Dude told me he had to move out of state and that was a real bummer. I dealt with that by getting drunk, inviting another person over and then I took all of my hurt out on them. Sure, I said things I needed to say to them...but it was inappropriate to do it that way. Completely. It wasn't about them at that time. And now that relationship is over and likely over forever and that is sad. I've apologized. I don't think it matters. And that's kinda how life goes. But June also had a really fun roller skate date with a Michael Jackson theme.

June also saw me have to decide to remove one of my cat's eyes. That was fun. 

Then in July I helped load up a U-Haul, kissed him good-bye, and watched him drive out of my life. And then I drove off to a beach in Mexico for a wee vacation, which was lovely.

Then I tried to plan my birthday and that turned out to be the biggest disappointment of a clusterfuck ever. People are flakey and don't know how to just simply sign on for fun. And I was disappointed. And people that know how important my birthday is weren't around and blah blah I'm a mature adult but goddamn...whatever. I did go to my first ever Rocky Horror Picture Show and it was fun! yay, fun! But dude sorta disappeared once he got back to his home state. And that was confusing.

August found me being super depressed and hiding out. I was a mess. I ate everything. I put on weight. I did nothing. I cried. I didn't talk to anyone. One friend was really worried about me. That's what it was like. August was a whole lot of ugh.

In September I tried to come out of the ugh. And it worked. My brand new car was rear ended. (This is where I realize I don't have photos organized for the rest of the year so this post suddenly stops having photos. You'll be ok.) I was fine and the guy that hit me was super apologetic and cooperative. I learned that a person that knows me saw me wrecked on the side of the road and didn't feel it necessary to call or text me to find out if I was ok or needed anything. I determined that person doesn't much care about me so I just leave them alone now. More blah. But then I got a settlement for the accident that covered all repairs and doctor bills and some extra and that jump started my emergency fund and paying off bills! Without me having to fight! It was all easy peasy. And then I went to Colorado and spent time with a friend who just has the best heart ever. So that was good for my soul. And then I went to the Dave Chappelle/Flight of the Conchords show and had some good laughs and giggles, which is also good for my soul. And periodically I heard from dude.

October rolled around and I went camping for a friend's birthday and sat in the woods and enjoyed nature and being cold. My mood was not really much improved in October and everything was getting to me. I even took one day off from work because I was just fed up with everything. I saw "Gravity." That movie spoke to me and I started to climb up the hill back into the light. I went to the fair and ate funnel cake. And, again, periodically I'd hear from dude.

November found me being really busy at work, which is great. And I went home to be with my family for Thanksgiving. And I went and spent time with my friends. And there was snow! And more frequent hearing from dude. And after being at home my spirit was completely renewed. I said good-bye to my grandmother who is dying. My sister looked healthier than she has in years AND received a cancer free diagnosis while I was home. It was all good. That entire trip home was just good. I needed my family. I didn't know it but I did. I know it now.

Then this month. This month that is ending along with the year. Dude popped into town and I got to spend a few wonderful hours with him. Time that felt like I was home. Comfortable and warm and nice full of smiles and hugs. Then more adorable texts once he was home. Then Christmas with my amazing friend and her families. I was approved to be a home for wayward beagles. I had a stomach virus from hell. And then I received a long string of texts that ripped out my heart and stomped on it and brought the tale of the dude from the store of pool supplies to an end. And it is all very fine and well.

I'm alone tonight. Which is fine. I enjoy my own company. I took myself to a movie and had giggles. And now I'm sitting here looking over my year and seeing all of the goodness it contained and not focusing on the sads or the ends. Just the good. It all becomes part of me, yes. The good and the bad. The sad is in there, mingling with the other years past. But it's the good that moves me forward. And I do move forward. Even if I sometimes don't see it, I am.

I end this year and begin the next with an open mind and an open heart. I will not close down or build up walls.

Happy New Year.

refuse to believe it's just me

My parents have been married for 43 years. Forty. Three. Years.

Their path has not been smooth. In fact, in the beginning, it was anything but. But there they are. Still married. Still together. Making it all work. Why? Because they love each other. And? Because they like each other. And? That was meaningful to them. It is meaningful to them.

This is why I'm the foolish romantic that I am. This is why I'm quick to be understanding when the other person in my little couplet has some issues to work through. I give space. I give understanding. Because I love and I care and I like and that's part of being in a relationship. That's part of being in a relationship that is meaningful to you. That's how I was raised. That's what I saw. That's what I learned to be and do. So I do. Because that makes sense to me.

But this hasn't worked out for me so far since my divorce. I've let my guard down and opened up my heart twice and twice now my heart has been hurt.

When I find someone that makes me feel like I'm home in their presence, I want that to stay. I like the quiet feeling of comfort. I like the overwhelming feeling of uncontrolled smiles on my face just from the simple act of opening the door to see him standing there. I like the feeling of safety and warmth from his hugs. I like that despite how hurt I was by the previous relationship, I allowed myself to enter this one. I like that I was brave. I like that I was open.

I liked this guy. If I'm going to be honest I still like this guy. Despite the hurt. Despite his current foolishness. And I don't know if that makes me stupid or if it makes me caring. I don't know. I'm not sure I care. Because right now I'm hurt and still very much liking this guy and trying to be understanding.

People keep reminding me that it's not me. That it's his issue. Their issues. That I'm fine. But then they also say things like "but maybe you should grow a bit more cynical." "You should lower your expectations." If I'm fine how I am, why suggest a change? This is who I am. And if it means that my heart will get hurt many more times before my last day, then so be it. I accept it. And I want others to accept that about me, too.

I'm often criticized by how poorly I handle disappointment. And I totally understand that. I don't know that I've ever fully explained this to anyone.

When I get excited about something, I GET EXCITED ABOUT SOMETHING!!! No matter what it is. I look forward to all of the things that I have to look forward to. A vacation. A phone call. A lunch with a friend. Because I am excited about the people in my life. I am excited about the things in my life. And that builds up inside me. I contain all of this excitement for reasons I don't even fully understand. But it's all there, running under the surface of my skin. Tingling and building as the event grows near.

If the event occurs, yay!! My excitement was fulfilled.

If it doesn't? All of that excitement that was barely contained within my body comes crashing down and, sometimes, it crashes outward. That much contained excitement has to go somewhere, right? So sometimes it crashes out and around and onto those I love so much that I was so excited about time with them.

It's not always appropriate and I've hurt people with this. I'm working on it. I'm a work in progress.

This has been a year a hurt for me. I lost my dog. I lost a friend who once claimed I was likely the love of their life. I have now lost a boy that I likely lost way back in July, try as we both did to pretend otherwise.

But every year has loss for me. And every year has brightness. This year is no different. And I'm still here. Breathing in and out. Once again.

Once again...