i hear in my mind

I think for a bit, and even still right now off and on, I forgot that I don't really need outside validation.

Sure, fine. I want people to like me. Who doesn't? But I don't need it. Not usually. Usually I'm pretty grand realizing that I'm super duper and that I have folks that like me a lot and that we're all surrounded by a variety of personalities and that they don't all go well together. Not everyone is going to be the peanut butter to my chocolate bar.

It just kinda stinks that while I'm in the middle of forgetting that I'm grand and sitting around telling myself how shitty I am that outside forces come and tell me the same thing. Very unfortunate timing, really. Doesn't do the body good.

I'm not one of those people that will hear criticism and immediately say "Oh, they're just haters." That mindset sorta drives me up a wall. Look...if everyone you encounter thinks you're a jerk....shouldn't you eventually sit down and think for even a moment "wait...am I a jerk?!?" Because everyone can't be haters. Right? It could very well be that you are, in fact, a jerk.

So that's where my mind lives. So when I hear that people have issue with me because of my personality I take it personally. Especially when I'm already questioning my fucking personality anyway.

This is rambly.

I'm not a jerk.

And those people are not haters.

We are simply a group of people with vastly different personalities. Mine is no more right than their's. Their's is no more wrong than mine. We're just different.

Where we differ is that it appears that I am the only one who can acknowledge that and attempt to do anything about it.

I'm kinda tired of feeling like I have to change who I am.

But I'm also really tired of being unliked. Unloved. Alone.

I guess the root of all of it is that i'm just really fucking lonely. And it's making me angry.

I guess maybe I'm not yet fine.

maybe you were right

This is not my first blog. So, I'm just going to jump right in and start typing and not do any sort of introductory bullshit. That seems silly when I'm blogging for myself and my own sanity, anyway. So here I go.

Recently I've been super unhappy. I can't say I'm depressed because I just really think that does a disservice to those that are suffering from actual, real, clinical depression. And I'm not rude. I kinda strive to be nice. So, I don't run about claiming depression when I'm just fucking unhappy.

I don't have the unhappies very often. I usually strive, and achieve, a whole lot of happy in my life. I focus on the good. I let negative things slide or bounce off of me. I don't let other people's crap get into my cornflakes. I choose to be happy.

But...but saying that "I choose to be happy" kinda makes me think I've finally stumbled onto something.

I think if I were just a naturally happy person, there'd be no choice. I'd just simply be happy and then sometimes sad would happen.

Instead I kinda think my natural state is to be unhappy. I just have really long bouts of me choosing to be happy. And that's fine. At least I'm making that choice, right? Doing the work. Making the efforts. Making that choice to just be. Happy.

Right now it just seems like too much work. Especially when I'm all angry about nonsense, too.

When I get into this state, this mindset, this frame of mind...I sit about and dredge up all sorts of things to just pile on to my misery. Which is so unproductive. And kinda seems like it's work for me to also be unhappy. But I don't know.

All I know is that I'm not happy right now. And I don't feel like doing much about it. I feel like wallowing in it. Rubbing it on my skin and feasting on it. And then chasing it down with Doritos.

This will pass. And then I'll begin my next long bout of happy.