giving up on you

I took my doggie girl to her second training class over the weekend. As we were walking and learning the trainer kinda looked at her and then said "And somebody just gave her away on Facebook! What a shame..." but then we went on to say how it really worked out for the best because now I have just a great little girl doggie and it worked out for her because now she has me.

She's very smart. She really is. She is very trainable and it is totally up to me to screw up. Which I suspect I totally will. Because sometimes I'm tired and I just want to eat my dinner so I let her tear up all the paper she wants. And then when she's in the yard and I'm all "Come!" and she's all "Nope, I have a stick and you can't get me!" I will sometimes be "Oh, fine, I'm tired and will just go in the house and eat a brownie in peace, sucka!" and then that is how you get a bad mannered puppy. I know this. I do.

So, there you go. I have a really good girl and I'm gonna fuck her up.

Back when I started thinking it was time for me to get a doggie I just knew I was going to get a Beagle because I love them. But then blamo! I have a tiny little terrier mix of some sort that just completely melts my dumb heart when she sits and looks up at me. She's ridiculously, absurdly cute and has a large personality and I'm smitten and she has me totally wrapped. And she is not a Beagle. And that is more than OK.

My life has become all about her. Which is fine. It was all about sitting on the couch so this is a step in the right direction. And I'm going to take her out to socialize and meet people and be in new situations and sit on patios and eat food and sip on drinks because that is a thing you can do with your dog here. And I may meet new people. But I may not. And either way is fine. Because I'm not just sitting on my couch.

I just don't want to mess it up. Because this is the first dog that has been 100% all my responsibility. And if she matures into a jerky little dog I can't sit and say "well, blah blah wasn't consistent with what I was doing and now she's a jerk." It's all on me.

It's a lot of pressure.

don't listen to me from now

A few days ago a subject popped into my head as is prone to do while I'm in the shower and I had many thoughts on that subject and it was funny and great and I was all "Oh, man! This reminds me of way back in the day when I had that one blog and I would do funny observational type posts or comment on the events of the time or talk about my life and how amusing it was just simply being me and it was great! I am so totally going to blog this!" and I was happy and fairly smug that I was being so clever and witty again.

But, you know. I'm in my 40s now and I don't have sticky notes in my shower.

You would have really liked that blog post, too.

so selfish baby

I've really been avoiding talking about this. I really have. But it just will not go away. And it's affecting my dreams.

But, I totally feel like a pathetic, obsessive, stalkery, losery type for not being able to let this go. It makes me feel like one of those delusional people that has taken some small relationship and turned into something that it never was. Like a crazy person.

There's this person that has made it abundantly clear that they simply do not want me in their life at all any longer. So I'm not. I finally found my dignity and stopped trying. Because I'm not pathetic.

But my heart is.

I'd been doing great with this, too. But then there was a birthday.

For the past lots of years there's been a to do over the birthday. Videos and photos and songs and muffins and massages and just a to do, man. Because birthdays are my thing and I cared about this person so I made a to do.

Until this year. This year my heart was all "You know what today is." But my head was all "Shut up. I have my pride and no thank you."

It just felt wrong. So wrong. It really did. Like I was just not doing the right thing.

But...acknowledging it felt wrong, too. Because I am not going to continue to insert myself into a person's life that has no desire for me to be there. I'm not putting myself through that any longer. I'm not. Not to me and not to them. Done.

So. Angst ensued. And bad dreams. With this person. Being all rejecty of me and making me cry in bathrooms while party people continued to be joyous.

My heart. It is stupid. This Post Secret postcard represents me entirely too well...

So dumb.

see a thousand people just like me

I've made it fairly known that I'm a jeans and t-shirt girl. And, yes, I do also like to wear my girly dresses and tights, too. But in my off time? Jeans and a t-shirt is who I am.

I have a Tony the Tiger shirt that says "They're Great!" And it says it really close to the boob area because of course it does.

Every time I wear this shirt I notice dudes noticing it. And some of those dudes give a slight nod of "yeah, they are" and I laugh in my mind because of dudes.

Every so often a dude will just not be able to contain himself. He didn't learn the lesson from Seinfeld about treating boobs like the Sun.

This happened at the golf fun times on Sunday. This dude noticed the shirt and did the "yeah, they are" nod with a nice smirk. But then he kept looking. And looking. And looking some more. And then he finally had looked so much that he burst out with "Great shirt, by the way. Great shirt." as he continued to not really make eye contact with my eyes. He was more making contact with Tony. He was totally talking to Tony.

What makes this extra special creepy fun? My Dad was right there. And the dude knew it was my Dad. Poor dude. So overwhelmed by boobs. So sad.

At this PGA fun times most of the girls that go dress up. If you can call what they are wearing as being dressed, that is. But, again, they are all dressed up with heels and hair and makeup and they're being all the what they think is sexy that they think they need to be.

Then there I am. With my jeans, t-shirt, and dorky hat. And yet I notice some dudes check me out. And if I'm actually noticing these dudes checking me out that likely means there are others I don't notice. And that, my friends, makes me feel a tiny bit better about this area of the world in which I live. That there are, actually, dudes that will make note of an adorable nerd. I like being able to have a few positive vibes when I'm out in the world.

And that is the dudes are dudes even at PGA fun times recap.

...couldn't keep. linger on...

I recently bought an antenna for my TV and I can now watch the news and some shows when they air and all of that. I find it annoying, really. All the commercials and noise? Ugh. I'm spoiled by Netflix and HuluPlus, I guess.

But last night I watched the latest episode of "How I Met Your Mother" even though I was two episodes behind. I'm a rebel that way.

I realized that I'm Ted fucking Mosby and I totally have a Robin balloon lingering in my life. I'm not holding on to it, but it is there. Bouncing around the ceiling in a corner, unable to just break free.

It made me incredibly sad.

It didn't linger, the sad. But it was there and I cried a wee bit but then I shook it off. Mostly. I mean, I am here writing about it.

I guess I'm just not as moved on and adjusted to things as I think I am. But I'm getting there. One day I'll open a window and the balloon will bounce along the ceiling until it catches a nice air draft and off it will go into the big blue sky.

And if not I'll just pop it with a pin and that'll be that...