so changeable and such a loveable

It's the last day of the year. Let's recap this shit!

The last few days I've, as I often find myself, felt that this year was pretty damned hard. Kind of a bummer. But that's just not true. Yes, there were some hard and sad things. But that's every year! Every single year has ups and downs. Every. Single. One. This year is no different and it's fine.

So, I started the year by doing some light plumbing so my house could create it's own ice. And it was good.

It also marked the countdown for my trip to Russia! Lots of preparation and forms and whatnots to do between January and May. And it all got done.

In February my Dad visited for some PGA good times.

Then we watched the Beyonce Super Bowl lights out event. Everyone seemed to think she was awesome. I felt like she was angry at all of us while also molesting us. So, I'm not part of everyone.

One day in February...it snowed. Here! It was a bit nuts. 

In March I went to BeagleFest and pet all of the beagles.

Then a cat stole part of my pool and I had to go to the pool store. And when I did a dude looked up, greeted me with a smile, and I was overtaken by his energy. He was smiley and adorable and just had good vibes shooting out of him. And he touched my foot and it was all pretty sexy and I flirted like a flirt and gave him my number and generally acted like not me. And guess what? We started hanging out and it was fun.

In April I got to know that pool guy even better and we hung out and things were adorable and grand. I'd go to the pool store just to be cute and he'd be adorable and it was all super sweet and fun.

Then one day BLAMO! Prince announced he was coming to town and then the tickets went on sale and they were pricey but I decided that you cannot put a price on things that make you fiercely happy. So I bought one. And then I told my cousin about it and she made arrangements to bring her husband out because he is my kindred spirit in the purple rain.

Then May. Oh, May. May was glorious! Continued hanging out with pool guy. He'd sit next to me instead of across from me and we'd hold hands and he'd rest his hand on my leg and he'd lean over and kiss me and it was just super nice. And he hung out with my friends and my cousin and all the stuff that guys do when they like you. He was excited for me on Prince day. He knew Prince day was a BIG DEAL. And boy, howdy, was it. I got to stand, like, 15 feet away from Prince! It was one of those moments that I couldn't believe was actually happening. But it was! It did. It happened. Then he was there when I had to decide to put my boy down. And he helped get him into the car and gave me a hug and checked on me later. Then while I was in Russia he texted to say hi and ask about architecture and things of that sort. And I had a wonderful time in Russia and made new friends and ate all of the desserts and took all of the photos and sat in palaces and sipped on champagne and it was all just amazing!

Then once I returned from Russia I had to prepare for my friends to come for the 'Con! And we went to the 'con and we played games and drank and acted ridiculous and went for pie and just had so much fun. And dude was here for all of that, too.

June was up and down. I had to buy a new car which was unplanned but turned out to be exciting for me and pretty good all around. Dude told me he had to move out of state and that was a real bummer. I dealt with that by getting drunk, inviting another person over and then I took all of my hurt out on them. Sure, I said things I needed to say to them...but it was inappropriate to do it that way. Completely. It wasn't about them at that time. And now that relationship is over and likely over forever and that is sad. I've apologized. I don't think it matters. And that's kinda how life goes. But June also had a really fun roller skate date with a Michael Jackson theme.

June also saw me have to decide to remove one of my cat's eyes. That was fun. 

Then in July I helped load up a U-Haul, kissed him good-bye, and watched him drive out of my life. And then I drove off to a beach in Mexico for a wee vacation, which was lovely.

Then I tried to plan my birthday and that turned out to be the biggest disappointment of a clusterfuck ever. People are flakey and don't know how to just simply sign on for fun. And I was disappointed. And people that know how important my birthday is weren't around and blah blah I'm a mature adult but goddamn...whatever. I did go to my first ever Rocky Horror Picture Show and it was fun! yay, fun! But dude sorta disappeared once he got back to his home state. And that was confusing.

August found me being super depressed and hiding out. I was a mess. I ate everything. I put on weight. I did nothing. I cried. I didn't talk to anyone. One friend was really worried about me. That's what it was like. August was a whole lot of ugh.

In September I tried to come out of the ugh. And it worked. My brand new car was rear ended. (This is where I realize I don't have photos organized for the rest of the year so this post suddenly stops having photos. You'll be ok.) I was fine and the guy that hit me was super apologetic and cooperative. I learned that a person that knows me saw me wrecked on the side of the road and didn't feel it necessary to call or text me to find out if I was ok or needed anything. I determined that person doesn't much care about me so I just leave them alone now. More blah. But then I got a settlement for the accident that covered all repairs and doctor bills and some extra and that jump started my emergency fund and paying off bills! Without me having to fight! It was all easy peasy. And then I went to Colorado and spent time with a friend who just has the best heart ever. So that was good for my soul. And then I went to the Dave Chappelle/Flight of the Conchords show and had some good laughs and giggles, which is also good for my soul. And periodically I heard from dude.

October rolled around and I went camping for a friend's birthday and sat in the woods and enjoyed nature and being cold. My mood was not really much improved in October and everything was getting to me. I even took one day off from work because I was just fed up with everything. I saw "Gravity." That movie spoke to me and I started to climb up the hill back into the light. I went to the fair and ate funnel cake. And, again, periodically I'd hear from dude.

November found me being really busy at work, which is great. And I went home to be with my family for Thanksgiving. And I went and spent time with my friends. And there was snow! And more frequent hearing from dude. And after being at home my spirit was completely renewed. I said good-bye to my grandmother who is dying. My sister looked healthier than she has in years AND received a cancer free diagnosis while I was home. It was all good. That entire trip home was just good. I needed my family. I didn't know it but I did. I know it now.

Then this month. This month that is ending along with the year. Dude popped into town and I got to spend a few wonderful hours with him. Time that felt like I was home. Comfortable and warm and nice full of smiles and hugs. Then more adorable texts once he was home. Then Christmas with my amazing friend and her families. I was approved to be a home for wayward beagles. I had a stomach virus from hell. And then I received a long string of texts that ripped out my heart and stomped on it and brought the tale of the dude from the store of pool supplies to an end. And it is all very fine and well.

I'm alone tonight. Which is fine. I enjoy my own company. I took myself to a movie and had giggles. And now I'm sitting here looking over my year and seeing all of the goodness it contained and not focusing on the sads or the ends. Just the good. It all becomes part of me, yes. The good and the bad. The sad is in there, mingling with the other years past. But it's the good that moves me forward. And I do move forward. Even if I sometimes don't see it, I am.

I end this year and begin the next with an open mind and an open heart. I will not close down or build up walls.

Happy New Year.

refuse to believe it's just me

My parents have been married for 43 years. Forty. Three. Years.

Their path has not been smooth. In fact, in the beginning, it was anything but. But there they are. Still married. Still together. Making it all work. Why? Because they love each other. And? Because they like each other. And? That was meaningful to them. It is meaningful to them.

This is why I'm the foolish romantic that I am. This is why I'm quick to be understanding when the other person in my little couplet has some issues to work through. I give space. I give understanding. Because I love and I care and I like and that's part of being in a relationship. That's part of being in a relationship that is meaningful to you. That's how I was raised. That's what I saw. That's what I learned to be and do. So I do. Because that makes sense to me.

But this hasn't worked out for me so far since my divorce. I've let my guard down and opened up my heart twice and twice now my heart has been hurt.

When I find someone that makes me feel like I'm home in their presence, I want that to stay. I like the quiet feeling of comfort. I like the overwhelming feeling of uncontrolled smiles on my face just from the simple act of opening the door to see him standing there. I like the feeling of safety and warmth from his hugs. I like that despite how hurt I was by the previous relationship, I allowed myself to enter this one. I like that I was brave. I like that I was open.

I liked this guy. If I'm going to be honest I still like this guy. Despite the hurt. Despite his current foolishness. And I don't know if that makes me stupid or if it makes me caring. I don't know. I'm not sure I care. Because right now I'm hurt and still very much liking this guy and trying to be understanding.

People keep reminding me that it's not me. That it's his issue. Their issues. That I'm fine. But then they also say things like "but maybe you should grow a bit more cynical." "You should lower your expectations." If I'm fine how I am, why suggest a change? This is who I am. And if it means that my heart will get hurt many more times before my last day, then so be it. I accept it. And I want others to accept that about me, too.

I'm often criticized by how poorly I handle disappointment. And I totally understand that. I don't know that I've ever fully explained this to anyone.

When I get excited about something, I GET EXCITED ABOUT SOMETHING!!! No matter what it is. I look forward to all of the things that I have to look forward to. A vacation. A phone call. A lunch with a friend. Because I am excited about the people in my life. I am excited about the things in my life. And that builds up inside me. I contain all of this excitement for reasons I don't even fully understand. But it's all there, running under the surface of my skin. Tingling and building as the event grows near.

If the event occurs, yay!! My excitement was fulfilled.

If it doesn't? All of that excitement that was barely contained within my body comes crashing down and, sometimes, it crashes outward. That much contained excitement has to go somewhere, right? So sometimes it crashes out and around and onto those I love so much that I was so excited about time with them.

It's not always appropriate and I've hurt people with this. I'm working on it. I'm a work in progress.

This has been a year a hurt for me. I lost my dog. I lost a friend who once claimed I was likely the love of their life. I have now lost a boy that I likely lost way back in July, try as we both did to pretend otherwise.

But every year has loss for me. And every year has brightness. This year is no different. And I'm still here. Breathing in and out. Once again.

Once again...

i hear in my mind

I think for a bit, and even still right now off and on, I forgot that I don't really need outside validation.

Sure, fine. I want people to like me. Who doesn't? But I don't need it. Not usually. Usually I'm pretty grand realizing that I'm super duper and that I have folks that like me a lot and that we're all surrounded by a variety of personalities and that they don't all go well together. Not everyone is going to be the peanut butter to my chocolate bar.

It just kinda stinks that while I'm in the middle of forgetting that I'm grand and sitting around telling myself how shitty I am that outside forces come and tell me the same thing. Very unfortunate timing, really. Doesn't do the body good.

I'm not one of those people that will hear criticism and immediately say "Oh, they're just haters." That mindset sorta drives me up a wall. Look...if everyone you encounter thinks you're a jerk....shouldn't you eventually sit down and think for even a moment "wait...am I a jerk?!?" Because everyone can't be haters. Right? It could very well be that you are, in fact, a jerk.

So that's where my mind lives. So when I hear that people have issue with me because of my personality I take it personally. Especially when I'm already questioning my fucking personality anyway.

This is rambly.

I'm not a jerk.

And those people are not haters.

We are simply a group of people with vastly different personalities. Mine is no more right than their's. Their's is no more wrong than mine. We're just different.

Where we differ is that it appears that I am the only one who can acknowledge that and attempt to do anything about it.

I'm kinda tired of feeling like I have to change who I am.

But I'm also really tired of being unliked. Unloved. Alone.

I guess the root of all of it is that i'm just really fucking lonely. And it's making me angry.

I guess maybe I'm not yet fine.

maybe you were right

This is not my first blog. So, I'm just going to jump right in and start typing and not do any sort of introductory bullshit. That seems silly when I'm blogging for myself and my own sanity, anyway. So here I go.

Recently I've been super unhappy. I can't say I'm depressed because I just really think that does a disservice to those that are suffering from actual, real, clinical depression. And I'm not rude. I kinda strive to be nice. So, I don't run about claiming depression when I'm just fucking unhappy.

I don't have the unhappies very often. I usually strive, and achieve, a whole lot of happy in my life. I focus on the good. I let negative things slide or bounce off of me. I don't let other people's crap get into my cornflakes. I choose to be happy.

But...but saying that "I choose to be happy" kinda makes me think I've finally stumbled onto something.

I think if I were just a naturally happy person, there'd be no choice. I'd just simply be happy and then sometimes sad would happen.

Instead I kinda think my natural state is to be unhappy. I just have really long bouts of me choosing to be happy. And that's fine. At least I'm making that choice, right? Doing the work. Making the efforts. Making that choice to just be. Happy.

Right now it just seems like too much work. Especially when I'm all angry about nonsense, too.

When I get into this state, this mindset, this frame of mind...I sit about and dredge up all sorts of things to just pile on to my misery. Which is so unproductive. And kinda seems like it's work for me to also be unhappy. But I don't know.

All I know is that I'm not happy right now. And I don't feel like doing much about it. I feel like wallowing in it. Rubbing it on my skin and feasting on it. And then chasing it down with Doritos.

This will pass. And then I'll begin my next long bout of happy.