The last few days I've, as I often find myself, felt that this year was pretty damned hard. Kind of a bummer. But that's just not true. Yes, there were some hard and sad things. But that's every year! Every single year has ups and downs. Every. Single. One. This year is no different and it's fine.
So, I started the year by doing some light plumbing so my house could create it's own ice. And it was good.
It also marked the countdown for my trip to Russia! Lots of preparation and forms and whatnots to do between January and May. And it all got done.
In February my Dad visited for some PGA good times.
Then we watched the Beyonce Super Bowl lights out event. Everyone seemed to think she was awesome. I felt like she was angry at all of us while also molesting us. So, I'm not part of everyone.
One day in February...it snowed. Here! It was a bit nuts.
In March I went to BeagleFest and pet all of the beagles.
Then a cat stole part of my pool and I had to go to the pool store. And when I did a dude looked up, greeted me with a smile, and I was overtaken by his energy. He was smiley and adorable and just had good vibes shooting out of him. And he touched my foot and it was all pretty sexy and I flirted like a flirt and gave him my number and generally acted like not me. And guess what? We started hanging out and it was fun.
In April I got to know that pool guy even better and we hung out and things were adorable and grand. I'd go to the pool store just to be cute and he'd be adorable and it was all super sweet and fun.
Then May. Oh, May. May was glorious! Continued hanging out with pool guy. He'd sit next to me instead of across from me and we'd hold hands and he'd rest his hand on my leg and he'd lean over and kiss me and it was just super nice. And he hung out with my friends and my cousin and all the stuff that guys do when they like you. He was excited for me on Prince day. He knew Prince day was a BIG DEAL. And boy, howdy, was it. I got to stand, like, 15 feet away from Prince! It was one of those moments that I couldn't believe was actually happening. But it was! It did. It happened. Then he was there when I had to decide to put my boy down. And he helped get him into the car and gave me a hug and checked on me later. Then while I was in Russia he texted to say hi and ask about architecture and things of that sort. And I had a wonderful time in Russia and made new friends and ate all of the desserts and took all of the photos and sat in palaces and sipped on champagne and it was all just amazing!
June was up and down. I had to buy a new car which was unplanned but turned out to be exciting for me and pretty good all around. Dude told me he had to move out of state and that was a real bummer. I dealt with that by getting drunk, inviting another person over and then I took all of my hurt out on them. Sure, I said things I needed to say to them...but it was inappropriate to do it that way. Completely. It wasn't about them at that time. And now that relationship is over and likely over forever and that is sad. I've apologized. I don't think it matters. And that's kinda how life goes. But June also had a really fun roller skate date with a Michael Jackson theme.
June also saw me have to decide to remove one of my cat's eyes. That was fun.
Then in July I helped load up a U-Haul, kissed him good-bye, and watched him drive out of my life. And then I drove off to a beach in Mexico for a wee vacation, which was lovely.
Then I tried to plan my birthday and that turned out to be the biggest disappointment of a clusterfuck ever. People are flakey and don't know how to just simply sign on for fun. And I was disappointed. And people that know how important my birthday is weren't around and blah blah I'm a mature adult but goddamn...whatever. I did go to my first ever Rocky Horror Picture Show and it was fun! yay, fun! But dude sorta disappeared once he got back to his home state. And that was confusing.
August found me being super depressed and hiding out. I was a mess. I ate everything. I put on weight. I did nothing. I cried. I didn't talk to anyone. One friend was really worried about me. That's what it was like. August was a whole lot of ugh.
In September I tried to come out of the ugh. And it worked. My brand new car was rear ended. (This is where I realize I don't have photos organized for the rest of the year so this post suddenly stops having photos. You'll be ok.) I was fine and the guy that hit me was super apologetic and cooperative. I learned that a person that knows me saw me wrecked on the side of the road and didn't feel it necessary to call or text me to find out if I was ok or needed anything. I determined that person doesn't much care about me so I just leave them alone now. More blah. But then I got a settlement for the accident that covered all repairs and doctor bills and some extra and that jump started my emergency fund and paying off bills! Without me having to fight! It was all easy peasy. And then I went to Colorado and spent time with a friend who just has the best heart ever. So that was good for my soul. And then I went to the Dave Chappelle/Flight of the Conchords show and had some good laughs and giggles, which is also good for my soul. And periodically I heard from dude.
October rolled around and I went camping for a friend's birthday and sat in the woods and enjoyed nature and being cold. My mood was not really much improved in October and everything was getting to me. I even took one day off from work because I was just fed up with everything. I saw "Gravity." That movie spoke to me and I started to climb up the hill back into the light. I went to the fair and ate funnel cake. And, again, periodically I'd hear from dude.
November found me being really busy at work, which is great. And I went home to be with my family for Thanksgiving. And I went and spent time with my friends. And there was snow! And more frequent hearing from dude. And after being at home my spirit was completely renewed. I said good-bye to my grandmother who is dying. My sister looked healthier than she has in years AND received a cancer free diagnosis while I was home. It was all good. That entire trip home was just good. I needed my family. I didn't know it but I did. I know it now.
Then this month. This month that is ending along with the year. Dude popped into town and I got to spend a few wonderful hours with him. Time that felt like I was home. Comfortable and warm and nice full of smiles and hugs. Then more adorable texts once he was home. Then Christmas with my amazing friend and her families. I was approved to be a home for wayward beagles. I had a stomach virus from hell. And then I received a long string of texts that ripped out my heart and stomped on it and brought the tale of the dude from the store of pool supplies to an end. And it is all very fine and well.
I'm alone tonight. Which is fine. I enjoy my own company. I took myself to a movie and had giggles. And now I'm sitting here looking over my year and seeing all of the goodness it contained and not focusing on the sads or the ends. Just the good. It all becomes part of me, yes. The good and the bad. The sad is in there, mingling with the other years past. But it's the good that moves me forward. And I do move forward. Even if I sometimes don't see it, I am.
I end this year and begin the next with an open mind and an open heart. I will not close down or build up walls.
Happy New Year.
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