so sorry

I posted naked photos of myself online. What is this? 2008?!?! Gracious.

Moving on...

I have never ever ever been made to feel that I cannot do something simply because I am a girl. I'm sure there's been people around that may have indicated something stupid like that but it didn't stick with me. Mostly I just feel like I've been surrounded by people who just kinda supported one another based on the fact that we're people and we recognize one another's talents and abilities. Simple as that. And I like that. A lot.

I'm on the career path that I'm on because a person recognized something in me during an interview. He didn't know me. But he saw something there. And he took me under his wing and taught me stuff and gave me things to figure out on my own and "See what you can do with this!" and it made him happy when I'd go report back what I'd discovered or learned. He was my mentor and it was never a thing where I felt like some little girl he adopted. I just always felt like a person that he saw a spark in and he decided to fan that flame. I'm always going to have a special place for him in my heart.

I know that not all women have it as easy and I believe in equal rights and all of that. I'm a feminist in that regard for sure, it's just not anything I feel has been an issue in my life. So, yay for me!

But yesterday I found myself in a meeting that was being run by a woman. And ideas were being tossed out by women. And I'm a woman and I was there. And it just struck me as pretty damned awesome. Because I was in a meeting full of women and it was all business. No emotions. No drama. Nothing but really smart women planning some serious shit.

That confused me. Why would that stand out to me? I don't know. But it did. Because it makes me think that I do, perhaps, have that subconcious belief that most women are over emotional and incapable of being focused. Which is a shame. I shouldn't have that in my brain. But it obviously is, right? I'm part of the problem!

I don't like being part of the problem. I really don't.

I'm constanatly informed that I'm too emotional or that people are afraid to approach me because they have no idea what Andrea is going to respond. That I take things far too personally. That my reactions, and the anticipation of what my reaction may be, stresses people out.

All of that sucks and I have no idea what to do about it. But I don't like it about myself one little bit.

I am just finding out left and right that I'm not that super duper of a person. Fun, that.

the skits tonight

The week or so before Christmas I somehow contracted a stomach virus. And I've basically been sick ever since.

I've had a cold. And then allergies. And now a viral bronchial type fun thing that refuses to go the fuck on.

I'm not normally this sickly. I'm usually quite proud of my immune system. But not now. Now I need to review the tapes and find out what went wrong and then shape up in those areas. Make sure the entire team is on board and maybe yell really loudly when I'm interviewed and get called a thug because of it.

Mostly I'm just really damned tired. Like right now I'd love nothing more than to curl up under my desk and take a nice nap. That would be grand.

But I have shit to do and life to live. Blah blah.

Other than that? My life is as mundane as it gets. It's just me and my puppy and my cat. Doing what we do. While mired in phlegm.

This morning I went for my mammogram and I posted about it on Facebook. And then I suddenly started thinking about how when I first started blogging I was in my early thirties and how I did a funny observations on all of it type blog and was witty and funny and then I was the divorced lady blogger and how now I'm "Andrea in her early 40s" with the whole boobie smashing talk and whathaveyous. It didn't lead to any epiphanies or anything other than me seeing how I've changed as I've aged. In ways I may not have been aware of until this morning. The cycle of life happens whether we notice it or not.

I'm Andrea in her early 40s, y'all. Things are going to get mild.

folding up the skyline

A week ago this evening I was sitting in my quiet living room, cat laying on my chest purring, debating whether I should watch another episode of "How I Met Your Mother" or should I just pack it in and go to bed. Suddenly I receive a message from FB and I decide to go ahead and look at it.

"Would you be interested in raising a puppy?"

Boom. I now have a puppy.

Long story short: a lady that has apparent financial woes and young kids bought a puppy for Christmas then realized how short sighted that was and so posted on some random FB group! that someone should give her $50 and take this puppy right! now!

So, I did. Because I'll take care of that puppy and keep her forever and ever.

Well, until she dies. So sad. I just jumped ahead a number of years to my puppy's inevitable death.

Anyway...

It was time. My life already feels fuller and has more giggles.

I'm also more tired and believe I smell like puppy pee, but that doesn't outweigh the giggles and puppy kisses and over all huge amount of adorable this puppy has added to my life.

However now my cat is sick. And that makes me sad. The puppy didn't make her sick, no. But I'm sure she added stress to the sick and there you go. But I'm working on her because I love her and I'm working with her to ensure she feels safe and comfy still in her home and I'm so proud of her for not giving up her space in our living room simply because of some foolish puppy.

I have realized, however, that even though I care for and, yes, love my cat, it's a totally different variety than it is for the dog. Like, when I heard how sick she was I cried a little and then I made all the appointments because I want her to be healthy and feel well and be happy for sure.

Then the next day I had the puppy outside and a dog barked and then a loud truck went down the alley and the puppy was scared and came running to me. And I looked at her and told her that she was safe and that no matter what happened I would always keep her safe from harm.

I don't feel like I need to keep the cat safe. She just is safe. Yes, I work on her comfort and happiness but safety never really enters my mind. Not like it does with the doggies I've had in my life, including my new one. I just really want to them to know that they are safe with me. It's important to me that they know that. I don't know why.

Perhaps it's just because of the different nature of cats and dogs. Cats are independent. Yes, she likes me and enjoys being with me. I've proven to be trust worthy and she feels comfy with me and that makes me really happy.

Dogs are totally and completely companiony to their humans. They rely on us completely. So I guess my deep down responds to that.

I'm not a psychologist.

But I am totally smitten with my new little girl.

And I'm completely exhausted and worn down because the timing was just not that great. But things happen when they happen and I jumped and now this is my life.

And it's a life that is richer than it was just a week ago. Because I once again have a little doggy to share it with.

I am an unabashed dog person.

can laugh about it now

Yesterday I spent the day taking down Christmas and cleaning out my closet and cooking and cleaning and organizing photo folders and taking photos and just generally being a girl without heaviness on her shoulders.

It felt good. It made me realize that I'm fine. 

Today something was done for me that was just so super nice and I appreciate it so much and it's just so nice to be thought of and shown appreciation in most unexpected ways. I love that.

I think I agreed to ride the light rail without pants with a large group of people that will also not be wearing pants. There's nothing that can go wrong there.

Two thousand fourteen just started and already I have fun stuff lining up for me to look forward to. I love that, too!

I'm fine. I wouldn't have thought it. If you'd asked me on Monday if I'd be fine by Thursday I would have said no. But the truth is, I woke up fine on Tuesday. 

The Sun came out. 

I was told that is from "The Sound of Music." I haven't seen it. But I'm told I should.

I'm going to be creative this year. I'm going to try to be creative every day. So, I guess that basically means I'm doing a photo a day project. So far, so good!

This was prompted by me looking at my photos from 2008. When I was creative daily and did goofy things and just looked happier and prettier and made videos and acted absurd and danced way more often than I have been the last few years and just did happy things. I'm gonna do that. Because I should.

I'm on the right path.