Their path has not been smooth. In fact, in the beginning, it was anything but. But there they are. Still married. Still together. Making it all work. Why? Because they love each other. And? Because they like each other. And? That was meaningful to them. It is meaningful to them.
This is why I'm the foolish romantic that I am. This is why I'm quick to be understanding when the other person in my little couplet has some issues to work through. I give space. I give understanding. Because I love and I care and I like and that's part of being in a relationship. That's part of being in a relationship that is meaningful to you. That's how I was raised. That's what I saw. That's what I learned to be and do. So I do. Because that makes sense to me.
But this hasn't worked out for me so far since my divorce. I've let my guard down and opened up my heart twice and twice now my heart has been hurt.
When I find someone that makes me feel like I'm home in their presence, I want that to stay. I like the quiet feeling of comfort. I like the overwhelming feeling of uncontrolled smiles on my face just from the simple act of opening the door to see him standing there. I like the feeling of safety and warmth from his hugs. I like that despite how hurt I was by the previous relationship, I allowed myself to enter this one. I like that I was brave. I like that I was open.
I liked this guy. If I'm going to be honest I still like this guy. Despite the hurt. Despite his current foolishness. And I don't know if that makes me stupid or if it makes me caring. I don't know. I'm not sure I care. Because right now I'm hurt and still very much liking this guy and trying to be understanding.
People keep reminding me that it's not me. That it's his issue. Their issues. That I'm fine. But then they also say things like "but maybe you should grow a bit more cynical." "You should lower your expectations." If I'm fine how I am, why suggest a change? This is who I am. And if it means that my heart will get hurt many more times before my last day, then so be it. I accept it. And I want others to accept that about me, too.
I'm often criticized by how poorly I handle disappointment. And I totally understand that. I don't know that I've ever fully explained this to anyone.
When I get excited about something, I GET EXCITED ABOUT SOMETHING!!! No matter what it is. I look forward to all of the things that I have to look forward to. A vacation. A phone call. A lunch with a friend. Because I am excited about the people in my life. I am excited about the things in my life. And that builds up inside me. I contain all of this excitement for reasons I don't even fully understand. But it's all there, running under the surface of my skin. Tingling and building as the event grows near.
If the event occurs, yay!! My excitement was fulfilled.
If it doesn't? All of that excitement that was barely contained within my body comes crashing down and, sometimes, it crashes outward. That much contained excitement has to go somewhere, right? So sometimes it crashes out and around and onto those I love so much that I was so excited about time with them.
It's not always appropriate and I've hurt people with this. I'm working on it. I'm a work in progress.
This has been a year a hurt for me. I lost my dog. I lost a friend who once claimed I was likely the love of their life. I have now lost a boy that I likely lost way back in July, try as we both did to pretend otherwise.
But every year has loss for me. And every year has brightness. This year is no different. And I'm still here. Breathing in and out. Once again.
Once again...
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