i hear in my mind

I think for a bit, and even still right now off and on, I forgot that I don't really need outside validation.

Sure, fine. I want people to like me. Who doesn't? But I don't need it. Not usually. Usually I'm pretty grand realizing that I'm super duper and that I have folks that like me a lot and that we're all surrounded by a variety of personalities and that they don't all go well together. Not everyone is going to be the peanut butter to my chocolate bar.

It just kinda stinks that while I'm in the middle of forgetting that I'm grand and sitting around telling myself how shitty I am that outside forces come and tell me the same thing. Very unfortunate timing, really. Doesn't do the body good.

I'm not one of those people that will hear criticism and immediately say "Oh, they're just haters." That mindset sorta drives me up a wall. Look...if everyone you encounter thinks you're a jerk....shouldn't you eventually sit down and think for even a moment "wait...am I a jerk?!?" Because everyone can't be haters. Right? It could very well be that you are, in fact, a jerk.

So that's where my mind lives. So when I hear that people have issue with me because of my personality I take it personally. Especially when I'm already questioning my fucking personality anyway.

This is rambly.

I'm not a jerk.

And those people are not haters.

We are simply a group of people with vastly different personalities. Mine is no more right than their's. Their's is no more wrong than mine. We're just different.

Where we differ is that it appears that I am the only one who can acknowledge that and attempt to do anything about it.

I'm kinda tired of feeling like I have to change who I am.

But I'm also really tired of being unliked. Unloved. Alone.

I guess the root of all of it is that i'm just really fucking lonely. And it's making me angry.

I guess maybe I'm not yet fine.