so selfish baby

I've really been avoiding talking about this. I really have. But it just will not go away. And it's affecting my dreams.

But, I totally feel like a pathetic, obsessive, stalkery, losery type for not being able to let this go. It makes me feel like one of those delusional people that has taken some small relationship and turned into something that it never was. Like a crazy person.

There's this person that has made it abundantly clear that they simply do not want me in their life at all any longer. So I'm not. I finally found my dignity and stopped trying. Because I'm not pathetic.

But my heart is.

I'd been doing great with this, too. But then there was a birthday.

For the past lots of years there's been a to do over the birthday. Videos and photos and songs and muffins and massages and just a to do, man. Because birthdays are my thing and I cared about this person so I made a to do.

Until this year. This year my heart was all "You know what today is." But my head was all "Shut up. I have my pride and no thank you."

It just felt wrong. So wrong. It really did. Like I was just not doing the right thing.

But...acknowledging it felt wrong, too. Because I am not going to continue to insert myself into a person's life that has no desire for me to be there. I'm not putting myself through that any longer. I'm not. Not to me and not to them. Done.

So. Angst ensued. And bad dreams. With this person. Being all rejecty of me and making me cry in bathrooms while party people continued to be joyous.

My heart. It is stupid. This Post Secret postcard represents me entirely too well...

So dumb.