the sound of classical piano and a fan

If you don't like angsty, introspective, or inspirational type things you should likely just stop reading. Because I'm going to be gross. And, likely, dead horse beaty, too. But that's me. I'm who I am, dammit.

I got a divorce because our paths had gone in different directions. But part of that involved my path even taking me away from myself. The closer I got to me, the more apparent it was that neither of us was happy. So, divorce, then I was all me again and life was grand. I was walking the dogs, taking trips, doing goofy photography stuff, meeting new people. I was living my life, see.

Then I was laid off and I got super motivated and I moved across the country and found a new job and that was good.

But wrapped up in all of that was a dude. And it seems that I was more wrapped up than I realized. And I did a lot of waiting. I did a lot of putting me on hold. I'd go through periods where I realized I had put me on hold and I'd snap out of it but it didn't last long.

Yadda yadda yadda, I got depressed over the whole thing.

I became attached to my couch. I became attached to being safe in my quiet home. I made the argument that it was what I wanted. I wanted to just be alone all the time in my home with my dog and my books and my Netflix. I was doing what I wanted to do.

But I was still on hold. I was still waiting.

Then I met a new dude and he was fun and all of that. But that ended in a blaze of ridiculousness of dick putting into other people and boom! there I was, again, realizing that I was still just on hold. Being a waiter. And still sad over the whole other thing. I can admit that and I no longer feel like I'm ridiculous for being sad over it. It's a sad thing to lose someone who was an important presence in your life.

So, one day I was on the book of face and a friend was all "what should I train for next!?!" and the conversation that ensued hit something deep inside of my person. It hit it and grabbed it by the collar and shook it around and yelled in its face to wake up! And by god, wake up it did. And that it, I'm pretty sure, is me. I'm the it. And now I'm awake.

I immediately contacted a friend that hikes and talked to him. He took me on a starter hike. He told me about his trainer. I set a goal.

I've never really been in what anyone would consider "in shape." But because of all of the depressed waiting around it's worse than it's ever been. Like, being technically an obese person level of out of shape. I'm not large, no. People are having a real issue with this whole me being obese thing because of the images we have in our mind of what that means. But what it actually means is that your body contains more fat than muscle. And that is me. Because I didn't take care of myself. I didn't live my life.

But, that's all changed. In just a week and a half I've seen my personal trainer three times and been on four hikes. Hikes that are rougher than I even though I would be comfortable doing. But I've done them. And I've enjoyed them.

I'm pushing myself out of my comfort zone. I'm pushing myself physically. And I'm pushing myself emotionally because I'm making myself count on other people, which is not something I've ever enjoyed doing. I have to count on my trainer to be there when I feel unsteady. And I have to grab his hand when I need it. I have to accept it when he offers it. And it's good. I have to talk to people that hike and see if I can go with them. I have to trust myself on those hikes that I can do this. I can push myself up inclines and rough terrain that scares me. I can and I have and I'm going to continue to do just that.

I have spent a good part of the last ten days just being really angry at myself for letting things get to this point. Letting myself become so lazy and unhealthy. But that is a waste of time. I'd rather use that energy to feel proud of myself that I was inspired and ran with it. I didn't think it to death. I didn't talk myself out of it based on fear. I talked myself INTO it. Because I'm worth it. And this is my life and I have to live it, dammit. I have to live my fucking life and stop with all of the waiting and being sad on my couch.

Above all else, I have to just always be me. I have to stop apologizing for who I am. I'm pretty grand. I have to be because I have grand people in my life. Birds of a feather and all of that, right?

I'm making my way back. Who knows what else will happen along the way!